The Domestic Godless

DIY Fois Gras

Geese make wonderful guard-dogs, but other than that they are vicious, loathsome, noisy, aggressive beasts. They do however, taste delicious and provide one of the worlds most controversial delicacies - foie gras! Making foie gras is easy, all you need are a few geese (get several to make the venture economically worthwhile), a wine crate (to keep them in), some strong gardening wire (to stop them escaping), and then just feed them and feed them and feed them (see right).


Care & Maintenance: Massaging the neck as often as possible stops the goose choking (especially on the kibbled wheat in the white pudding).For some reason chiropractors are a dab hand at this but make the process expensive.


Culling: Six weeks of intense feeding should produce a fine, firm extended liver in your geese, it also prevents them from running without difficulty. Simply put them in your 4X4 Landcruiser and apply a hosepipe from the exhaust to the window and run the engine for 12 minutes, but no more!!!! (Carbon Monoxide indeed taints the colour of the blood vessels but one or two clots in the liver will contain a poison that excites the tongue in very small doses).


Extraction & Harvest: When removing the liver (foie), which should be the colour of Van Gogh's 'Sunflowers', take extreme caution not to burst the gall bladder (the little green sac you'll find it in there somewhere). And now it's ready to eat! Slice thinly and pan-fry for only a minute both sides. Season with a little salt and black pepper, and serve on toasted walnut bread with a few shavings of black truffle.


Over the years the Domestic Godless have not neglected their duty in sharing our knowledge of all things edible. However we feel that the natural and inevitable consequences of the gourmandiers bodily functions have not been paid enough attention, and that the pleasure arrived at by eating our delectations should not solely end at their consumption. Hence we offer this arcane titbit of information as to the glorious opportunities available to the sanitary business of evacuating our foodstuffs.


".....but, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all the arsewisps, bum fodder, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose that is well douned, if you hold the neck betwixt your legs; and believe me therin upon my honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderfull pleasure, both in regard to the softness of the said doune, and of the temperate heat of the goose which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the innards, insofar as to come even to the regions of the heart and braines". Rabelais 1496 - 1561


We do however concede that the authors should add that as an extra safety precaution, taping the gooses's beak would be advisable.